I got an email today which began “Dear Sir, Your contact was discretely sourced for among others with respect to your position as an international acclaimed personality; and we decided in your favour as a partner for this business proposal bearing in mind that you are of an outstanding reputation to usher you in as the beneficiary…” I didn’t get any further than that, because I was laughing too hard at the “international acclaimed personality” bit. Woo! Finally, this website thing is going to pay off, since it made me popular enough for a Nigerian company to put me in charge of US$6 million dollars. Damn.

I had lunch today with Brian Kennedy and Dean at a little Indonesian place upstairs at the train station. The food was pretty awful, but the staff was friendly. Afterwards we went in search of the amber shop of our Azerbaijani friend Fuad, but although his sign was there, he was not. The girl at the shop next door said he had left in a hurry a few days ago. Hmmm. A mystery.

Dean and Kay wanted to see a movie, but the theaters were way too crowded, so we decided to wait until a weeknight on a non-holiday. I came home and watched Almost Famous, which I liked a lot. A really well-done film, and it really touched me. I think they might have been filming the New York City part of it when I was in New York studying film, ironically. I say ironically because it’s been two years and I haven’t done shit in the area of filming anything new, but perhaps “pitiful” is a better word. It’s one of the reasons I want to get the Damn Book published and done with, so I can begin work on the Damn Film, as soon as I save up enough moolah for a Damn Camera and other assort Damn Equipment.

Work again tomorrow, alas, but after that comes the weekend, and hopefully I’ll be able to squeeze in some good horizontal time.

I am feeling annoyed. There are multiple reasons for this, but we’ll get to that later. First things first: My trip to Yanshui.

Dean has been nagging me all week to accompany him and Brian down to the annual traditional fireworks festival in Yanshui, which is a small town in southern Taiwan that comes to life one night a year and then promptly blows itself up. According to my shaky memory, a long time ago there was some sort of plague ravaging the town, and when things were at their worst, the remaining residents set off some fireworks, which seemed to end the plague, so now they do it every year.

The last time I was down in Yanshui for the festival was back in ’89 or ’90, and I still have a scar on my wrist from it. It was incredibly violent, huge throngs of people pushing and shoving against each other in a way that makes one fear for one’s life, “god palanquins”, born by the towns thuggery, would literally toss people out of their way, and building-sized arsenals of fireworks were set off, mostly aimed at the crowds. My jacket caught on fire and a firecracker penetrated the only unprotected surface of my body, i.e. my wrist, the one that didn’t have a watch on it. Of the five of us who went down that day, none was spared some sort of injury, and by the time we returned to Taichung, where I was living at the time, the interior of the car was covered with blood. When we left Yanshui at dawn, we passed burning scooters barely visible though the heavy smog.

I was feeling in an adventurous mood yesterday, i.e. I was bored and feeling sick of Taipei, so I told Dean I would go with them. So we all packed into Kay’s little white Daihatsu and headed south.

In the 12 or 13 years since my last visit, things have become a great deal tamer in Yanshui. The deaths of six people the day before the festival might have had something to do with this, but when Dean, Kay, Brian and I arrived at the town last night after a 3-4 hour drive, it seemed shockingly underpopulated compared with what I remembered. People weren’t shoving against each other, and I didn’t even get in any fights with any god-palanquin thugs this time around. We walked into town, having parked on the outskirts, found Graham and Eoghain, and then followed a firetruck making its way through the crowd to where the racks of fireworks were being set off into the crowd. People began hopping up and down when the barrages came, since fireworks get lodged and explode if you don’t move around quickly. The smoke was thick and Kay’s asthma wasn’t liking the situation. She did manage, miraculously as everyone else was ducking exposives, to engage in some window shopping.

The explosive barrages came without warning, especially if you didn’t happen to be looking when they set them off. I was talking with Graham at one point when unabashed terror crossed his features before he hastily slammed his helmet visor down. I knew what was coming and had just closed my own visor when the rain of fireworks began to shower down upon us and the crowd began to jump up and down. I tried to take some pictures of the fireworks themselves but most of them came out like this.

At around 2am we strolled past the rave the foreigners were holding at a warehouse -a sign in Chinese proclaimed “Dances with Foreigners”- and left Graham and Eoghain there. There was a lot of foreigners in Yanshui this year, I thought. Probably because of the rave. The rest of us walked back to the car. I took one last picture of some fireworks across a field before we left. It was good to be out of Taipei and in the country, although my nose is still filled with the remnants of last night’s smoke.

It was a fun experience, but my back didn’t like the hours spent cooped up in a Daihatsu and going to bed at 5am this morning. I debated not going in to work today, and I probably shouldn’t have bothered. The IT department still hasn’t figured out how to hook up our Internet access, so I just sat around and played pool with my co-workers. I was so bored I even tried out the new shower, which is far nicer than what I have here at home.

Speaking of home, my landlord told me yesterday that I can’t have a cat. This confirmation of my previous suspicions, added to the lack of water pressure, the mosquitoes, the road noise, etc., is causing me to seriously think about moving. The mosquitoes are especially annoying. I still don’t understand how the buzzing kind of mosquitoes successfully evolved rather than the kind that doesn’t announce its presence and get slapped.

One of the local publishers, one which I had previously had high hopes for, called me tonight and suggested that nobody here would be interested in my book. “All of the guys here have already been in the army; they know what it’s like,” she told me. “Your book is written for non-Taiwanese people. What people here in Taiwan want to know more about it you and your shady background. So you would really need to write another book if you want to get it published here. Tell you what, you write another book, and then call us, ok?”

Oh, well. So much for that brilliant idea. I guess I am going to have to do things the hard way after all and try to get the damn thing published in an English-speaking market, which is going to be pretty tough, especially from Taiwan. All of the people I thought I knew in the publishing industry don’t seem to eager or able to help me out, so I’m just going to have to email a shitload of agents/publishers and hope that I can get someone’s attention. Could take years, that.

In other news, someone emailed me that my splash page has turned up on a Spanish-language website talking about the origins of weblogging and ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’. This is bizarre. The article doesn’t mention me; I can only assume that whomever wrote the article just found me in the links of the sites they were actually writing about. Could be worse, I suppose.

Tomorrow is 2/28, or “Peace Day”, in commemoration of the 2/28 slaughter back in 1945 here. I will probably spend most of the day in a horizontal fashion. I feel like I’ve hit a wall in the publishing thing; maybe I need to approach it from a different angle. I don’t know. It would be a shame to have come this far and then still not be able to get the damn thing published. It’s a really annoying thought, and the mosquitoes aren’t helping my frame of mind much, either.

Ach, I shouldn’t have come to work today. My back still aches and I’m not doing it any good by sitting at my desk all day listening to my co-workers go on and on about ‘Total Solutions’. This, of course, is why I’m not usually allowed to deal directly with clients. My tack would be to try to shame them into going with us by saying things like “Oh, right. Half-assed solutions are fine for gits like you. Ah, you disgust me, the lot of y- …Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”

Max, formerly of the China News, now at the Taipei Times, is going to interview me about the Damn Book tonight after work. I don’t know if I’m really in the mood for that kind of thing. Personally I’d rather go to a sauna and soak for a few hours, but we’ll see how it goes.

We’ve got a new co-worker sitting in here with us now. His name is Kit. Let’s just say that his arrival has not adversely affected the normally high level of beefy good looks in our cubicle. I’ve managed to refrain from the Knight-Rider jokes so far, and he seems to be getting used to the cartoon sounds spouting from my computer every so often. I’m getting kind of sick of the Three Stooges, and Curley’s “Woo-woo-woo” sound denoting the arrival of email has become downright depressing, so I’m going to switch to a Rocky and Bullwinkle theme with a heavy Boris Badenov motif.

On my way to meet some friends at Roxy Jr. last night I stopped by Kirk’s place to give him my copy of Return to Castle Wolfenstein, now that I’m finished with it. Kirk was in the middle of dying his hair blue, so he could come out, but he said he’d call later. Roxy Jr. is a typical Shi-da area bar, full of foreigners talking about visas and the English-language newspapers. I had a beer and shouted over the din with friends for a while. It was a beautiful night, cool and clear. The store owners were laughing and chatting as they washed their pots and pans in the street grates. I didn’t feel like going home, but Kirk wasn’t answering his phone, so I didn’t know what else to do. I went home.

I awoke this morning to find that my neighborhood has been taken over by thousands of Buddhists. I think they’re still around, because the buses they arrived on are still lining the street downstairs. The reason they’re here is to catch a glimpse of a piece of a Buddha, his finger or something like that. Kind of silly when you think how Buddhism teaches to disdain the physical aspect of life and strive to perfect the spiritual. Or not. I have to admit, I’ve forgotten most of what I ever learned about religion in general. None of it really ever made sense to me, which is probably a sign that my life is deficient in that respect. Perhaps it is something that happens as one gets older and one’s thoughts turn to the more spiritual side of things as one’s grasp on the physical side of things becomes less certain.

I walked over to the Jianguo Market today and looked at a couple of gray kittens in a cage. They were both females, but one was frisky and loud while the other just sat there, looking very peaceful and occasionally licking the other one’s face. They were adorable, and the frisky one was given away as I watched to a girl who didn’t know anything about having pets. I’ve never had my own pet, really, besides my turtles, but I came close to taking the other cat home this afternoon. It was hard to resist the Forces of Cuteness considering my lonely life, but I managed somehow. Later on I also managed to resist the allure of a new cellphone when I went to the Far EasTone office and found that none of the phones there appealed to me at all. I’ll just wait until someone makes a phone I like, and then I’ll consider getting a new one. It’s not like I use it very much. I’d rather have a cat.

My back aches something fierce. I think I twisted it or pulled it or something, but I should probably see someone about it. Just when my eyes are getting better, some other part of me gets screwed up. It’s always something.

This morning on my way in to work, I chose to take Heping East Road and turn on to Jilong Road, where I promptly got into a three-way drag race with a new NSR and one of those “Jing” hippy bikes. Of course I beat the Jing, since it’s a four-stroke engine that sounds nice but can’t match an equivalent two-stroke for power, especially with all of that weight, but I shouldn’t have stood a chance against the NSR, which is has larger, more powerful engine rather than 14 years of hard use like my bike. I guess the rider had just bought it and was still getting used to it or something.

I’ve been wondering what drives those IQC bitches who keep messaging me and begging me to watch their webcams, so today I had an interesting conversation with one of them:

705485: hey its Elsa…do you want to make you cum tonight? 😉

Poagao: Hey, Elsa…do you want me to come over and bludgeon you in your sleep tonight? 😉

705485: I’m Elsa, I love to have people watch me get naked in front of my computer. So I decided to create my own website that allows everyone to watch me via my new webcam.

http://elsaisacow.servers.com/webcam.html

Poagao: Good! Now where can I find you? Don’t call the police now!

705485: I live in Chestertown Maryland… come and check me out 😉 http://elsalikesjohnashcroft.servers.com/webcam.html

Poagao: Ok, I’ll just be sharpening my Gin-sus…

705485: Watch me play with myself via my new webcam

http://elsasnoseismichaeljacksonfacialsurguryleftovers.servers.com/webcam.html

Poagao: Your audience doesn’t mind a little blood ‘n intestines play, does it? You got a fridge? Or at least an air freshener?

705485: I love to have people watch me get naked in front of my computer. So I decided to create my own website that allows everyone to watch me via my new webcam.

http://elsahelpsterroristsdecorate.servers.com/webcam.html

Poagao: So I don’t need the scissors, just the axe, cleaver and “meat tenderizer”? Ok, got it.

Just between you and me, I don’t think Elsa is the sharpest knife in the drawer. She just didn’t seem to be following me very well. No sense of humor, either.

Here’s an interesting situation: All upper management types get desks next to the windows. Most of the upper management here at our company are Taiwanese women. Most Taiwanese women are obsessed with having white skin and shun sunlight like vampires. The result? Yep, you guessed it: the minute these people come in they drop the blinds and shut out any view or sunlight from the outside, making my workplace refreshingly dungeonlike.

Managers also like to bring their stereos to work and blast really bad music so that everyone can hear it, often in “repeat” mode, which is particularly maddening. I don’t know why they assume this isn’t annoying the hell out of everyone, but I’m working on a plan involving shock therapy/sabotage to resolve the situation. Hopefully this time I won’t get caught. My whole disabling-other-peoples-cellphones plan would have worked too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

In light of the revelation that there just aren’t any big-name international publishers willing to send anyone to Taipei, I took my proposal around to some of the many local publishers at the expo today, and was surprised to find several companies who expressed serious interest, which is odd as I wrote the proposal in English expressly for foreign publishing companies. One of the interested local companies claims to be well-connected in the US publishing industry and might want to do both English and Chinese versions of the book. I know that it’s too early to think too much about this, but it’s encouraging to know that, even if I can’t find a US or UK publisher, I can at least get it published here. I still don’t know if I will have to translate it myself or not.

My feet are still sore from walking around the TWTC all day in dress shoes. At least the weather was sunny and warm today. I ran into Gavin, who was on his way to interview some Australian guy who inserts banal captions to public-domain photos and sells them as books, calendars and whatnot. Apparently the guy has made millions catering to the Sappy Market, and since Taiwan is the Capital of Sap, he’s doing promotional things here. I hope Gavin did his best to make the man feel uncomfortable. Gavin’s good at that, I must say. I would have stayed to watch if I felt I could trust myself to keep from bursting out in derisive laughter at the guy.

Back to work, and comfy shoes, tomorrow. I plan to steal a trip over to the TWTC on Friday to check and see if any more international publishers have decided to show up, but otherwise I’m pretty much done with this. Next step, I suppose, is to start emailing queries to international publishers and perhaps agents, casting fishing lines in the hope of stirring up some attention.

What a day.

I struggled up at 7am this morning. The weather was cold, grey, and drizzly. I took a cab to the office, which was empty. Of course my computer isn’t connected to the office printer, so I hunted around until I found a computer that was, and proceeded to print out my book proposals and one copy of the manuscript, which is about 300 pages with 1.5 spacing. I also called up my boss and gave a vague story about something having happened somewhere which needed some action having something to do with someone like me. She seemed to buy it. Once I figure out how to work my voicemail I might find out differently, but until then at least I can claim ignorance.

I couldn’t find a briefcase so I borrowed a bookbag from one of my co-workers (the guy I bought lottery tickets for last time, actually, so he owes me even though he didn’t win) and went over to the New York, New York Shopping Center to meet Dean, who was going to attend the expo under the guise of “reporting” it for his masters at the Ministry of Truth.

We walked over to the expo hall and traded name cards for passes. Dean’s book was displayed prominently at one of the booths, and I translated a little bubble on the cover that claimed that he had certain crime-fighting skills that he does not, in fact, have. Then we just wandered around until we got seperated and my phone decided to die.

Most of the publishers at the expo are targeting Chinese books, and the ones that aren’t are targeting children’s books or textbooks. There were precious few publisher interested in my book, and I have no idea whether it’s at all likely that there are any buyers in the handful who have expressed interest so far. I’ll go in tomorrow, but I will have to work on Thursday and Friday. One guy, a Chinese-Hawaiian named Frank, gave a convincing Bobcat Goldwaith impersonation. Gavin and Jerome came over for lunch at the new Chili’s, and later on I saw Max, who was interviewing Dan Bloom. At least I guess he was. He seemed to be perplexed by Dan’s strategy of hawking his book by placing several copies on a traditional basket and barking bad Taiwanese phrases at passersby.

It was interesting, at least more interesting than a normal day at work, although my feet are rather more sore. Perhaps something interesting will happen tomorrow. If not, well, I tried, and there are other venues for publication besides the expo. At the very least the book is heavy enough to hit potential publishers over the head with, so it’s not like I can’t do anything with it.

It’s three in the morning. I’ve been running around all day trying to get all of my materials ready for the book expo tomorrow. I think I’ve got everything, but a lot depends on whether I can make copies at the office tomorrow morning. Dean, Gavin and I went to the pre-expo opening dinner at the Hyatt. Dean had thought that it would be a mixer-kind of affair where I could hand out the special namecards Dean and I came up with, and maybe chat with people. The expo people, however, had other plans, including playing “Dixie” and southeast Asian dancing to the music of Kitaro. There was also a puppet show/lion dance and excellent mashed potatoes. At least we got a free meal.

Tomorrow, or in reality, in a few hours, I am going to have to get up, get dressed up (I even bought new shoes this time. Dress shoes, which I haven’t worn in a decade), get to the office and print out a shitload of book proposals before I meet Dean at the New York, New York McDonald’s at 9. I feel like I’m back in school, only this is more important and risky than anything I ever did in school. Speaking of risky, I’ve also got to explain to my boss why I’m taking a couple of days off right after the Chinese New Year break. I think I’ll go with “Vague Truth” this time.

The Five-minute Film Festival went pretty well. I was told that it was two years in the making, which is rather extraordinary. I saw some stuff I had seen before as well as some stuff that I hadn’t, and I won a pineapple and a mini-DV/keychain that transforms into a min-DV/keychain with arms, legs and a head. My first festival award! Go me!

Last night as I was walking home, shunning major thoroughfares in favor or misty back alleys, Taipei felt rather disconnected to me, like a ghost town designed by an impressionist painter. It was a strange feeling, but I suppose it’s necessary to disconnect from one’s situation for a bit now and then, for perspective and general sanity. Perhaps it’s more necessary for me than for other people.

It’s Sunday, and the Book expo begins on Tuesday. I haven’t decided yet exactly what to tell my boss concerning why I won’t be in that day or the next. “Something came up” perhaps, or “My back hurts” or something like that. Probably the former, in case I get caught, since the expo is just one block away from my office. Maybe I could maintain the illusion of going to work and just slipping off a lot. That’s pretty much what I do most days anyway. We’ll see. Now I have to go through more photos. It’s a beautiful day out today, perfect for going somewhere, but also nice for opening one’s windows and letting the fresh breeze in.

I was on my way to get some lunch at about 3pm yesterday when who but Graham should call me and say “Hey, mate, we’re having a barbeque, come on over,” so of course I had to go. And of course I had to ride my motorcycle, and so of course the weather had to go from brilliant to shitty in the space of an hour. Still, I haven’t had a good barbeque in ages, and the greasy hamburgers right off the grill were truly delicious.

Dean, just back from the Philippines where he spent a week on a uncharted island with various wacky characters, dropped by as well, and I was shocked to see that he was actually bearing Dunkin Donuts! Hooray! The large pink-and-white box was the source of my midnight snack, breakfast, lunch and dinner today. Just pop them in the microwave and ZAP you’ve got fresh donuts.

So the past couple of days haven’t really been the best for healthy eating. I will have to make up for it later if I am going to retain my chunky figure.

Today I fooled around a lot, but I did manage to get a semblance of a book proposal together. At least it is a rough basis I can work from, in any case. Tomorrow Jacques, who used to be a translator at the newspaper I worked for and who filmed our play a few months back, is having a “Five-minute Film Festival” at his house, just for films of less than 5 minutes. I am planning to take a couple of my short films over and show them, although I have no idea whether anyone is going to show. Still, I should get out more, and it could be fun.