I’ve got the webcam set up, but my host doesn’t support such frequent updates, so I can only use it on Yahoo messenger. A political rally just finished up in the park. Oops, no, there they go again. After elections tomorrow we won’t have to deal with all of this shit any more, thankfully. Still, I guess it’s fun once in a while. The old guy downstairs is going to vote in a very old-guard fashion…I think he knew a bunch of the candidates when they were kids.

My motorcycle is fixed, with brand-new locks all around. Nice shiny new gas tank cap. Being made to ride a scooter around for a day makes me appreciate it all the more.

When I got home last night and parked my motorcycle, I pulled the key out of the ignition, only to find the entire ignition assembly clinging to the end of the key. I wheeled the bike over to my usual motorcycle repair shop, conveniently located just downstairs next to the lobby. The repair guy, who knows me pretty well as my motorcycle is, to be quite honest, putting his kids through college, promptly took my key and ignition assembly and stuck it back in the hole from which had spilled. “Problem solved!” he told me gleefully, and went back to work on the crippled scooter he had been working on. I turned the key experimentally and found that it wouldn’t budge.

It turns out that I have to have the entire key system replaced, which could conceivably cost more than the entire bike. Not that surprising, considering the fact that my bike is worth less than most people’s socks, but it has to be done, since we here in Taiwan still don’t have access to any motorcycles larger than 150cc, in spite of the fact that in restricting imports in such a fashion is a violation of WTO regulations. I suppose we’ll just ‘ease into’ compliance, even though we’ve been waiting for WTO entry for 13 years so it was hardly unexpected.

So now I am riding the repair guy’s scooter, since my bike is in his shop. I realize that it was very nice of him to lend me his scooter, but he does have quite a few, and this one has a basket, fer cryin’ out tears! It’s feather-light; the speedometer only goes up to 60kph and it only has drum brakes to slow its tiny wheels. I was considering taking my heavy sword to sword practice tonight, but thought better of it, since I seriously doubt that the scooter is capable of carrying me and the heavy sword. I’m also not too keen on impaling myself if I can’t brake in time and run into someone. I just hope my bike is fixed quickly, because I certainly don’t want to be seen on the scooter for more than a day.

Tomorrow is election day, and Xiao Bing and I are going to go vote, since we are registered in the same district. The English-language newspapers are spewing outrageous amounts of propaganda, even more than usual, which is odd considering most foreigners can’t vote. I suppose they’re trying to influence the English-learning crowd, but I suspect that those people rely more on the Chinese-language media for their election coverage.

I think Whiny Woman must have taken some cold medicine or something, because she is saying “Oh, yeah?” over and over again to nobody in between giving less-than-perfect renditions of popular garbage truck melodies.

I’m currently reading “Bill Bryson Down Under“, which is marketed everywhere outside of Australia as “In a Sunburned Country“, and on a whim I visited his official website, which has a forum for comments. I don’t know what Mr. Bryson would make of Taiwan, but I’m sure that it would make a great story. I left a note inviting him here and saying I would be happy to show him around, but I don’t honestly expect a reply. Still, one never knows. He doesn’t seem like the type to check his comments section very frequently.

In other news, this site is apparently now #8 on the PC Home monthly Top Ten list. The good news is that the rat poison is still working. The bad news is I don’t have any plans in the near future to dine with Barbra Streisand, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Douglas, Grant Hill or the entire Bau family, although I’d be more than happy to put some extra effort in J-lo’s case. And before you begin to harbor suspicions of heterosexuality about me, let me state for the record that of all the people on that list I’d choose Grant Hill for pure shagability.

In still more news, Dean’s article about foreign authors in Taiwan came out today. You’ll notice that I’m referred to in the article by my nom de plume “T. Christopher Locke”. Has a nice air of respectability, don’t it? (Don’t go thinking you now know the real answer to what TC really stands for, though!)

FVO: I’ll give you one last chance

V.O.: Because you are not white enough!

This is the kind of crap I have to edit. My Psycho Voice is telling me to get another job.

I had a feeling that the bamboo grove in the park at night, being an unlit and rather spooky area, would prove a tempting venue for a ambush by Seamus, so after I returned home and picked up my swords, running across Hsinsheng S. Road in the middle of traffic, I approached the grove with no small amount of caution. I soon spotted Dean in the distance. He was being tracked by Seamus. I called Dean on his cell phone.

“Hey, where are you?” I asked innocently.

“I’m in the park. Where are you?” he replied.

“I’m at the grove. Have you seen Seamus?” I saw him look around for Seamus, who began to run towards him.

“Yeah, I think I see him,” Dean said as he began edging away from the approaching shadow-that-might-be-Seamus. “I’ll see you soon.”

Eventually they circled the small hill in the park, Seamus at one point taking a spectacular dive and then rolling back up again, and began to approach the bamboo grove again. I cut across, sat down in the grove, and waited for them to notice me. They were virtually on top of me before they saw me. We moved to a more open space and began practicing sword techniques, moving once when a group of Japanese students decided that we would be appropriate viewing entertaining for their evening picnic.

It was a good workout, topped off by free-style fighting with Seamus at the end. I took a couple of pictures before we headed over to DV8, which was practically empty. We ordered drinks and a pizza and sat down to talk. Eventually Graham showed up, it being his day off from the newspaper. It was strange to be with old friends at our old watering hole again. We proceeded to get quite inebriated, since Seamus is leaving for Japan on Friday and we won’t be seeing him until he gets back, if he ever returns. He was lamenting his decision to go to India, which he describes eloquently as “Covered in three feet of shit”, but also very excited that he was going to Japan.

Eventually we left after a long series of rum, coke, beer, Bailey’s and god knows what else. Seamus had a sudden desire for Ke-le-guo, which are spicey twisted chips, so we went to the nearest 7-Eleven and got some to snack on as we stood outside and passed a can of Taiwan beer around. Normally I don’t drink beer, but by that point I didn’t really care what I was drinking. We stood outside, Dean and Seamus talking about Asian women and Western women while I oogled a guy inside the 7-Eleven, apparently a friend of the cashier’s.

“What is it about slightly cross-eyed guys?” I mused aloud when Seamus was inside buying more beer. Dean noticed and took exception to my taste, saying I could do much better than that. I didn’t mention my observation to Seamus when he came back out with the beer, since he has told me that he is going to find a woman for me someday; far be it from me to ruin such a grand plan!

Eventually we put Dean in a cab, but not before Seamus took his sword away and gave it to me, so that we would have an excuse to get together and practice. He was quite adamant about this, so I took the sword in spite of Dean’s drunken protests. I can give it back to him anytime, after all, and I didn’t feel like annoying a drunken Seamus, especially where swords were involved.

So, needless to say, I came to work this morning not a little tired and hung over. When I came down this morning, I found a heavy-set fellow dressed in red sitting on my motorcycle. I don’t know what it is about my motorcycle that seems so inviting, but I am constantly finding idle passers-by just plopping themselves down on it and proceeded to chew the fat with their friends.

The guy got off when I approached, brandishing my key ring. “Sorry,” he said in Chinese. One of the other, similarly dressed, rough-looking guys who were squatting nearby upbraided him, saying “Why did you bothing saying ‘sorry’ in Chinese to a foreigner?”

I know, I know. I should have just walked away, as I was already late to work, but I felt some sort of response was in order, so I struck up a conversation with the guys, using the convenient conversation-starting fact that I am Chinese-but-not-Chinese. It turned out that they were helping out their pal Pang Jian-guo, whose election office is one of those just downstairs from me, by riding around in the back of one of those little blue trucks that are so ubiquitous in Taiwan and beating a large drum, literally drumming up support for their candidate, except that most of those within earshot will most likely only wonder who is making all that racket instead of “Hey! Some guy is beating a drum in the back of a surprisingly small truck! That’s just the kind of leadership we need right now! I should vote for that guy!”

They asked me if I had a girlfriend, shocked at my revelation that I lived alone, and asked where I went when I went out. We debated the relative merits of bars, pubs and hotels, with them noting that one could get a girl for as little as NT$300 at many hotels. That was my cue to leave, so I excused myself, saying that I was late for work, which I actually was. The fact that I am always late to work didn’t bear mentioning at that particular moment.

The weather today was wonderful if a bit hazy, just the kind of day I’d like spend wandering around mountains and streams, so it was particularly hard to keep my mind on my work, which seemed exceptionally boring and senseless. WHiny Woman started out the day coughing and wheezing with an apparent cold, but then recoverd miraculously and proceeded to spend the rest of the day on the phone with various daycare centers asking inane questions. I skipped the company meeting we had just now as I knew I would just end up falling asleep and embarrassing myself. Tonight I would like to do some more work on my website and perhaps a little writing, but my most-likely agenda will be:

7pm: eat

9pm: sleep

I’ll bet you wish you had such an exciting evening planned. I’ll bet you’re just green with envy.

*snores*

Perfect weather today. I look out of the window in the restrooms at the back of our office and see a faraway temple I’d like to ride out to and visit, but I can’t because I work in this office every day during daylight hours, so I just stare at it instead. It’s days like this I really love Taiwan. Or I would, if I could get back out into it.

It’s sex, sex and more sex at the tinyblog these days. Go take a look at Daniel’s tales of sexual encounters, which are all the kind of things that most people would never admit even happened to them. Daniel is not most people, however; he posts them on his weblog. I’m not sure if I want my readers to know about my own fucked-up sexual encounters, but it would be interesting to at least write them down.

Seamus, Dean and I are going to meet at the infamous Bamboo Grove after work today to practice swordfighting one last time before he departs for Japan on Friday.

Today on Gaming Cuisine we have a letter from Octavio C. Lopez of Zaragoza in Coahuilla, Mexico:

“Dear Gaming Cuisine: What sort of snack food should I munch on when I play Red Faction? I’m saving all of my Butterfinger BBs for the next version of Jedi Knight, and the nachos that were so much of a success during my time with Half-life and its later iterations aren’t working out as the dip is slowing down my trackball action and getting me killed. What do you recommend?”

Well, Octavio, from our satellite images we see that you’ve gained at least 25 kilograms over the past few months, so maybe you should take advantage of the recent lull in First-person Shooters and go climb some stairs. Just kidding! Seriously though, Red Faction sounds like a suitable opportunity for…chicken wings! They’re yummy, and the extra grease will lubricate your trackball so you can kill off your enemies even faster as you chow down!

Ok. The cloning “debate”. Is it just me, or is every single anti-cloning argument simply the rhetorical equivalent of “It’s evil! It’s just plain wrong!” I can’t find any real argument on that side at all other than that they don’t like it. It’s the same “argument” used to condemn homosexuality and anything else that these people hate with plenty of passion but woeful lack of any sort of reasoning. The best the media can do is stuff like “Religious and govrenment officials struggle with profound issues”. Heh? What’s so profound about it? I’m sure witch-burning Puritans were “struggling with profound issues.” Andrew Jackson must have “battled huge ethical implications” when he was pursuing the genocide of Native Americans. They’re religious zealots and small-minded idiots, people, no matter how much political clout they may wield.

George W. Bush stuggling with profound issues. Ooh, someone take a picture.

The annoying program on the TV at the noodle place up the street where I usually have lunch was called Liumang Jiaoshou or “Professor Gangster” and stars an old friend of mine, Yang Lie. Yang Lie was a popular singer for a long time, and he’s always been dabbling in acting as well. I haven’t gotten in touch with him in years, but seeing him on the screen looking concerned at all of the crying females around him (there are always crying, or at least very sad females sprinkled liberally throughout every Taiwanese TV show), it brought back memories of my time in the TV industry here, back when I was a camera assistant and cameraman at TVBS and some other stations. A far grittier, more down-to-earth existance that was, compared to my present way of life. It was a lot more interesting as well. I was dirt poor and struggling at the time, and no doubt it seems a lot rosier now that I know it all turned out ok, but at least every day was different.

“Violence!” Seamus stared at me as he uttered that word the other day while we were practicing swordplay in the bamboo grove. He noted that I seem to lack something these days, a certain killer instinct, not bothering anymore to envision my opponent lying at my feet with my sword stuck in his throat. I need to realize the impermanance of my situation and react with the violence of a wave crashing on a beach after gathering itself up across long miles of empty ocean. The sounds of typing on keyboards, accounts, clients, repeated public announcements, slimy wheedling and cubicle politics…all of this is a waste of time, and this time is too valuable to waste here, staring at a 15″ computer monitor and occasionally editing some vapid copy full of unoriginal blather concerning feminine products. I’m not going anywhere with this, nor is there anywhere I can go in this direction. I’m just treading water for no reason other than that I don’t happen to be drowning at the moment.

The play reading went pretty well. About a dozen of us sat outside on the roof level of Grandma Nitti’s surrounded by other diners, and just went through the entire play, which is only 60 or so pages long, switching roles several times throughout. Nobody knows who is going to be selected to play which part, but there were far too many people for the handful of parts available. I was thinking that Kafka or Sydney would be good roles, but they both have huge speeches that go on and on for almost a page at a time. Perhaps, if I could choose a role, it would be that of Max Brod. In any case, it seems like a fun play if you don’t take it too seriously. Some very funny lines for certain, and the people seem nice enough, at least upon first impression. Peter, both Pauls, Maurice and Richard were there from the last play, plus a handful of people I didn’t know, including one guy from ICRT. Supposedly we’ll know what’s going on before next Sunday.

After the reading I went out shopping for computer stuff and went a bit crazy, buying a Wacom Intuos2 6×8 graphics tablet and Logitech QuickCam Pro 3000 webcam. I also bought roach traps. This weekend has gone by all too quickly, but I managed to get a bit done. I might try writing some more “news stories” for my News page tomorrow at work. That page has remained neglected for far too long. If you have any articles or topics you think would make good fodder for News From the Renegade Province, send them to me and I’ll consider putting them in.

Back to work tomorrow; there’s supposed to be a nasty cold front on its way here tonight. Perfect timing. The air today was almost thick with haze; whether it is pollution or dust I have no idea. Not pleasant, whatever it is, but at least it somewhat muffles the cacophony issuing from the ubiquitous election trucks and buses (I even saw an election motorcycle, festooned with banners and apparently abandoned on the side of the road. Perhaps its owner went insane or deaf) that are constantly prowling the streets in search of people to annoy. I miss fresh Australian air on days like this. Speaking of Australia, Simon likes the pan I bought for his family in lieu of rent. Heh.

I also got five more entries into the Mirror Project. Go take a look.

Whew! Finally uploaded 28 new pictures, mostly from Australia, to my photography page, updated my links and about page a bit. Now I need to write some new stories and get those up as well. I was up until 4 a.m. last night working on it, mostly because I spent most of yesterday with Seamus and Dean. We met in the bamboo grove in Da-an Park at noon yesterday and practiced swordfighting pretty much all afternoon. It was exhausting because none of us had done it in a while, but it felt really good to be out there doing it again. Unfortunately, Seamus is only in Taiwan for a week. He’s leaving for a three-month trip to Japan this friday.

We had dinner at Subway and then arranged to meet at Dean’s new place, out on Zhongxiao E. Road in an alley behind the Paris Paris department store. Dean’s new bike is an old Kawasaki farmer’s bike, so out of fashion it’s back in fashion, if you know what I mean: all silver and black, top speed of about 60 kph. The kind of bike you need to be either wearing a rice farmer’s hat or a WWI baron outfit.

We began to watch the Enterprise episodes Dean’s uncle had mailed. I have to say I really like that series; it’s a lot more honest about human nature than I have seen in the other Star Trek shows. Unfortunately, after we bade Seamus farewell and came back up to the apartment, we discovered that someone, mostly like the cat, which has figured out how to open doors and use major credit cards, had accidently hit the “record” button on the VCR, erasing an episode and a half. Dean was livid and immediately served notice to the cat’s lawyer. I think we have a solid case.

I dragged myself out of bed at 9:55 a.m. this morning, since Seamus and I had arranged to meet in the park for more sword practice. Dean couldn’t make it, saying he had an important date with some influential pancakes at Jake’s Urban Trap or whatever it’s called. I learned quite a bit this morning, however, including the “Wave Theory”, in which Seamus explained force and timing in a way which I think improves my motions a lot. The weather today is perfect, bright and breezy, not too hot or cool. Seamus said he was going to spend the rest of the day in the park on a blanket in the sun. Sounds tempting.

Now, however, I have to meet up with the people who might want me to be in that play, Kafka’s Dick, over at Grandma Nitti’s. I’ve read a few excerpts online, and it does sound good, but it also depends on how much time I’ll have available and whom exactly I would be working with. There should be a few familiar faces from the last production I did, as well as some people I’ve never met before. It should be interesting. I really need to get writing on some new stories and especially on my book if I’m going to make my self-imposed deadline of Christmas.

For some reason my Internet connection has been really shite lately. Sites like amazon.com and hotmail.com get “Cannot find server” messages. I’ve heard of several other people with the same problem. Sounds like a Chunghwa Telecom problem. I wonder if they’ve even noticed something’s wrong. I doubt it.

In spite of the fact that yesterday was Thanksgiving, that wonderful holiday celebrating the beginning of the relationshit between ndns and white people in north America, Seamus and his current host Ingrid decided to have a vegetarian Thanksgiving feast over at their apartment on Xinhai Rd. I managed to get out of the office only after being reminded several times that our IT department has yet to pull its head out of its collective ass and implement a LAN that doesn’t crash terminals every five minutes. And since I was feeling quite bouncy yesterday afternoon, I was listening to loud dance music MP3s. Thus my normally hush-hush running commentary on the generally poor state of affairs was broadcast at a much louder level than usual. I think people here are used to this, however.

I walked over to Ingrid’s apartment and met her roommates, which included Rosa, who’s favorite Bond film is On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and who’s favorite James Bond is, of course, George Lazenby; Camille, a handsome Indian-looking fellow with questionable hairstyling, possibly from South Africa, and a girl from Australia who might have been Camille’s girlfriend. I was a bit peckish at that point so I chomped down on some of the Brie cheese and french bread on the table, and then we all sat down to mashed potatoes, lettuce and sweet potato soup to the sounds of eerie lounge music followed by eerie disco. Something in the mix began to strongly disagree with my stomach, however, so I left early so as to keep my misery from ruining everyone else’s evening.

Whatever it was is still with me, unfortunately, so I have restricted my diet today to crackers and plum juice, but so far it’s not working. And I have sword practice tonight. Ugh. I can’t really miss it, as I’ve already missed a month. I brought my receipts from July and August to see if I won anything today. Hopefully this activity will not be perceived as slacking.