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I was late to class last Wednesday after meeting some friends for dinner. When I got to the monument I counted 15 students practicing, a lot more than before. I quickly went through the forms and started doing tuishou with Mr. You, who is harder to “catch” these days it seems. I then pushed with Mr. V. Something was wrong, though. I wasn’t really in a good frame of mind, and my ego kept getting in the way. Maybe it was all the new people; I find myself caring too much what they think of me, and it’s hard to keep from focusing on just “winning” each and every time. I know that if this continues I will have to force myself to deliberately and repeatedly “lose” until I have no more “reputation” to protect, and maybe then I can get out from under my ego and start learning again. It’s touchy because I am aware that many people see me as a foreigner and that always involves a certain amount of baggage.
Later on Mr. You did tuishou with Teacher Xu, who praised Mr. You’s recent improvement. A lot of the guys who have been doing tuishou originally are looked upon, in the Confucian fashion, as “teaching assistants” of a sort. I hope nobody sees me this way (it’s not likely in any case). I try not to tell anyone how long I’ve been studying, as this just raises unwarranted expectations. So far it’s worked. The truth is that I haven’t been making a great deal of progress lately, but the responsibility for that rests squarely on my shoulders. I’ve been preoccupied with other things and should reset my focus so I can get back into it.
