Lovable old codgers attempt to re-take Chinese mainland
BEIJING
After a series of hilarious mishaps and adventures, a group of
retired soldiers from Taiwan attempted to retake mainland China on
Wednesday. Although all five of the men are over 70 years old,
they come from all branches of the military. Zhang Jing-you, the
leader of the motley group, is a former army colonel, while the
others come from navy, marine and air force backgrounds.
“It beats sitting around the old folks home watching
TV,” former air force Hua Feng-guo, 78, told reporters on
the road to Beijing. “We got together a while back and
decided that if we didn’t do it, nobody would. Plus, I was
getting tired of all of those furniture commercials.”
The group’s madcap journey from an retirement home in
Sanchong to the Imperial City has included calling in old favors
from old friends, the setting up of a mock training center in the
basement, and a good deal of hacking on the part of one of the
group’s member’s grandson.
“Granddad asked me if I thought I could wreak havoc on the
mainland Internet system, and I was all, like, cool, but I do that
anyway,” Li Ming-zhi, 17, said. He is the grandson of Li
Tan-zhang, a former Navy Commander and a protégé of
Zhang’s.
The younger Li managed to help the group infiltrate the highest
reaches of the mainland military structure, which was already
distracted by China’s latest efforts to launch a man into
space.
Reactions in the U.S. were muted. “We wish these gentlemen
all the best in their efforts. Aww, they’re so cute,”
U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell said at a press conference at
the White House as he watched a video of the group tumbling around
on a makeshift training course. “In any case, they
don’t seem to be violating the ‘One China’
policy, so we don’t actually have a problem with it.”
Former KMT spy expresses disdain for magician’s act
Guo: "You know those people don’t
really disappear, right?"
TAIPEI
Guo Yu-jing, 62, scoffed at world-renowned magician David
Copperfield on Monday after seeing on of his shows on TV.
“That guy didn’t disappear,” Guo, who served as
a KMT spy for thirty years, said. “You want to make someone
disappear, I can help you. Not this fake. God, just look at his
hair.”
Guo has made between 50 and 70 people disappear over the course of
his career, although the exact number is classified. His methods,
while including straightforward assassination, are also little
known, but may or may not concern suffocation, drops from great
heights, and large amounts of bean paste.
“A master can’t reveal his secrets,” Guo told
NFRP reporters on Sunday. “But at least when I make people
go away, you can be sure they’ll stay away. Somehow I wonder
if the same could be said of Mr. Copperfield’s
subjects.”
“He’s annoying, but I don’t think he’s
worth getting rid of just yet,” the former spy added looking
through a small black booklet.
|
TOP STORY
Taipei 101 readies for a new year's launch
|
Spaceship nears completion
-President Chen vows to put a Taiwanese on the moon by
Chinese New Year
-Beijing said to be 'unconcerned' by space challenge from
across the strait.
|
TAIPEI
After losing the race to put a man into orbit to rival China, not
to mention the US and Russia, Taiwan doubled its efforts to
complete its spacecraft, the ‘Taipei 101’, in time to
put a Taiwanese astronaut on the moon by February of 2004,
according to Taiwanese President Chen Shui-bian’s address on
Friday to the Aviation and Space Industry Development.
“There is no strife, no prejudice, no national conflict in
outer space as yet,” President Chen stated.
“That’s our job, to put it there. But why, some say,
the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why
hook up free cable. Why test new motorcycles' exhaust and let 50cc
scooters off the hook? Why come up with a useless Romanization
system like Tongyong?”
“To be sure, we are behind, and will be behind for some time
in manned flight,” the president continued. “We have
had our failures, like the 3/31 earthquake (who knew something
like that would happen?), but so have others, even if they do not
admit them…COUGHChinaCOUGH.”
“Many years ago the great British explorer George Mallory,
who was to die on Mount Everest, was asked why did he want to
climb it. He said, ‘Because it is there.’ Well, like a
cable TV line hanging outside our window, space is there, and
we're going to hook it up, and the moon and the planets are
there…just imagine a ‘Little Taipei’ on the
moon!”
The spacecraft is composed of eight stages supporting the command
and landing modules, both located underneath a clever design that
may at first be questionable in aerodynamic terms but will
actually increase lift when the vessel reaches the upper reaches
of earth’s atmosphere. Supporting Taipei 101 is a launch
facility located in the relatively sparsely populated Xinyi
District.
Most Taipei residents had assumed prior to the announcement that
Taipei 101 was destined to become yet another office
building/shopping mall full of women’s clothing stores, but
90% of those polled in a recent survey agreed that a spaceship
would make much more sense.
LIFESTYLE
Taipei woman achieves pure whiteness
TAIPEI
23-year-old Chen Yi-zhen reached her life-long goal of pure
whiteness on Friday, according not only to news sources but also
the national meteorological service, which spotted Chen on its
satellite scan of the island late last night.
Roughly 80% of women in Taipei have a similar goal, and spend
billions each year in pursuit of whitening their skin in order to
seem more attractive, but Chen is the first to actually achieve
pure, unadulterated whiteness. Her co-workers were both dismayed
and surprised to discover the beams of pure whiteness coming from
her cubicle. “I just know she’s going to get that
promotion now,” Zhuang Shu-fen, who sits across the hallway,
told reporters.
Chen Yi-zhen
|
Chen had been using various skin-whitening products, including
Pond’s, Clorox and Industrial Waste® Brand creams,
but pure whiteness eluded her for years until she hired
self-described ‘skin genius’ Dr. Arkady Malovich,
formerly the staff surgeon of a Siberian prison camp as well
as special guest on the Regis and Kathy Lee Show on
Lifetime. Chen then allowed herself to become the subject to
Malovich’s ‘relatively tried and true’
experimental procedures. From then it was only a matter of
months before the office worker’s dream of having
literally white skin came true.
|
“Of course, Ms. Chen’s case is a success,”
Malovich told reporters. “But I wouldn’t stand too
close to her, if you know what I mean. Some things have to be
admired from afar….you know, they aren’t so pretty
close up.”
Chen herself could only repeat, in what seemed to be a slightly
delirious voice, “I’m white! I’m white!
I’m white!”
SCIENCE
Scientists point to study finding 97% of beautiful women in
deep denial of serious attraction to scientists
BOSTON
After literally years of rigorous scientific research, scientists
have discovered that a vast majority of attractive young women are
in serious denial of their deep attraction to scientists.
“This study is a real breakthrough, in that it has finally
shed light on what has turned out to be a large and widespread
problem,” head scientist Mark Wofield told reporters on
Friday. “Now that the issue has been identified, measures
need to be taken to cure these women and let them return to their
normal lives.”
The study involved hundreds of women aged between 18 and 35, each
one chosen by the team of experts in charge of the study, which
included interviews and the occasional dinner and a movie.
Afterwards, a shocking 97% of the test subjects were found to be
in ‘complete denial’ of their feelings for scientists.
“A mental health issue on this level is not something to be
taken lightly, “ bioengineer William MacDonald said as he
went over the figures again and again to check for errors.
“Can you imagine the tortured lives these women lead? I know
I can.”
FASHION CORNER
Machete paraphernalia for scooters popular this fall
TAICHUNG
Sheaths, sharpening stones, cords, grips, and many other kinds of
machete-related merchandise has become the latest trend in Central
Taiwan, according to the Taichung Consumer Report
Association’s trade report issued in October.
Although the traditional ‘fruit knife’ is a
traditional favorite due to its size and the ease of purchase at
7-Elevens island-wide, upscale decorated knives are becoming more
and more popular, as well as the necessary accessories such as
matching sheathes and cords to tie them conveniently to your
scooter handlebars or next to the seat for easy use while
riding.
Stores along Zhonggang Road have started enlarging their machete
selections, and on weekends shoppers come from all around to find
a weapon that fits not only their scooters, but their personality
as well. “We have the large, notched knives with blood
channels and rings for extra damage, but we only recommend those
for larger scooters,” store manager Elaine Lu told NFRP
reporters. “If you’re on a Dio or something similarly
small, I would recommend something a little more subtle, such as
this ‘Hello Kitty’ machete.” Lu then held up a
machete with Hello Kitty figures ingrained on the side.
“They double as blood-letting holes which, unless your ride
is a particular shade of red, could come in handy. And nobody will
able to call you unfashionable!”
|
|