Poagao's Journal

Absolutely Not Your Monkey

Dec 07 2001

I am in disguise, I realized today during my lunch…

I am in disguise, I realized today during my lunch break as I walked around in the streets and alleys behind our building. It’s not a clever disguise by any means, but there it is. People see someone else, someone not even remotely connected to me. It’s frustrating at times, since I can’t take the damn thing off. I think I’m even diguised from myself. I feel like I’m not me, like I’m not really anyone. I was walking around, thinking that nothing really matters. I walked down the middle of the road, only marginally aware of the cars and scooters. I am Nobody. You can’t hit me. There is no me.

I found myself at Subway and asked the girl behind the counter why she did what she did. She just looked at me blankly, uncomprehendingly. I took my sandwich out to a nearby park bench and ate there. It’s been drizzling all day, but I just couldn’t the thought of eating with all of those professional-types and their obnoxious laughing secretaries. I walked back to the office, feeling my expression tighten as I approached this big white cell. As I passed my motorcycle, I felt like either smashing it or just taking off on it, never to return. But I was also so numb that I didn’t feel like doing either. I just don’t care enough anymore.

I have a good job. True, I don’t make as much as most of my friends, but it’s fairly stable and not demanding…except that it is demanding. In fact, it’s going to be a race for me to stay sane long enough to collect my New Year’s bonus in February. And after that, I have no idea what is going to happen. Knowing how companies love to cut compensation of “The Global Economic Downturn”, 2001’s Excuse of the Year, they probably won’t give out the standard 2 months (43 months for government workers).

It’s like knowing when you’re going to be fired. I’ve had trouble concentrating on my job, everything that goes on around me in the office seems petty, false and downright inane. I should face the fact that what’s wrong with my life can’t be solved by a month in Australia. I thought it would help me get to New Years in one piece, but now I doubt it.

Harry and Yuan-ming both came over last night, so I took them to Peso, which was almost empty. We all took advantage of the buy-one-get-one-free beer, even though I don’t like beer. I just didn’t care. I felt like nodding off halfway through the conversation, unfortunately. Yuan-ming was talking about married life, and Harry was just being annoying. I got to bed at around 2am, but I still feel drained. ‘ve felt drained all day, and the constant irritations of my job aren’t helping. Perhaps sword practice tonight will make me feel better. If not, there’s always alcohol. There’s a bit of alcoholism in my family, on both Russian and Choctaw sides (ooh, big surprise there), but I don’t often get drunk. Didn’t used to, at least. Can’t make any promises in that department, especially in my present mood.

I’ve managed to avoid the doorman since he made his little proposition. I’ll probably run into him tomorrow, though, since he and the other doorman tend to switch every other day. I don’t know what I’ll tell him, but I know I will probably come across sounding like an asshole no matter what I say. Not looking forward to that. If only he knew how fucked up I actually am, he wouldn’t want me around.

posted by Poagao at 6:23 am  

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